5 years ago
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Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Two Months Post-Op
I was supposed to see Dr. Millis yesterday for my two-month visit, but I couldn't because of scheduling conflicts (mine, not his). So I was supposed to know by now whether I could ditch these wretched crutches.
I've unofficially been mixing one-crutch and cane usage (and even some walking) into my days for the past week and a half, even though I'm technically supposed to be on two crutches until I next see the doctor. My hip has been feeling OK with the increased burden: sometimes it feels a bit tired and achy but most of the time it feels just fine. Even when it does hurt after being on it too much, it is not very painful at all. Maybe a 2, at the maximum. Any time I've felt discomfort I've gone back to two crutches until it has subsided.
As I write this I am starting to feel more and more guilty about cheating with the crutches. Erin told me expressly not to cheat and to stay on crutches until I saw the doctor again, and even the physical therapist wouldn't let me increase the resistance on the bike. If I find out next week that there are negative consequences to my cheating, i.e. my x-rays show some setback due to my impatience, I will be really upset with myself.
This is just taking too long, though! Two months is too long to be limited like this, especially in the springtime. It is one thing when I am just sitting at home at my parents' house, but the instant I do anything remotely social or adventurous, I want so desperately to be off the crutches that I cheat (now that I can). For that reason it is good that I have kept myself up here in Connecticut and not returned to the city. I knew the sequestration would protect me from temptation.
Another cause of my impatience with crutches is shame. I've felt a bit ashamed about this whole diagnosis since the beginning. It is not like I had some glorious sports injury; I was born defective with a deformity commonly associated with DOGS. That alone is cringe-worthy, but in addition I am not a person who likes to be seen as weak, helpless, pitiable or needy. I don't like attracting attention such that people feel sorry for me. I don't like having to ask for help. And so I absolutely hate being in this condition. Another reason for hiding up in Connecticut is so people don't see me in this pathetic state.
The closer I get to walking, the more impatient I am get rid of these symbols of weakness and deficiency. And sometimes that impatience overrules the cautious part of my brain that says I should follow my doctors' orders.
None of this is offered as an excuse for my cheating, just as an explanation. I have a week to go until I find out how everything looks on the inside. You know what would be the most karmically appropriate result? If my imprudence has set back my healing and so I have to stay on crutches for another month. That would be just what I deserve, wouldn't it.
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OK - step away from the self-flagellation!
ReplyDeleteYou have a congenital defect; it's not something you could have ever done anything about. There is no shame in that at all - not your fault. So what if it's more commonly associated with dogs?! It exists in people - 1 in 1000 in the general population. Not your choice that you were born with it, anymore than it was mine.
Crutches are not a sign of weakness, neediness or pathetic-ness. They are a sure sign that you had the courage to face a daunting diagnosis and even more serious surgery - and work thru the recovery to a better, pain-free life.
I am proud of what I've accomplished since my THR; I'm done with P.T. and on my own. I'm starting to discover a pain-free life I never knew existed.
All that came from the diagnosis, surgery and use of crutches/canes. The only one thinking less of you is...you.
Don't be so horribly hard on yourself. You deserve SO much more than that.
*ok off my soapbox now*
I was so relieved to read this post. I know one should never wallow, especially since things could be so much worse- but your sentiments in the post are exactly what I am feeling, and I am entering my 6th week post- PAO surgery with Dr. Millis. It is almost like you are in my head as a read this. WIth a 3 year old in tow as well, it only makes these feelings stronger- and the need to be off the crutches and mobile more intense. I find myself cheating, too- but only (usually) in the kitchel where there is significant counter support. I laughed about this reading your words. Thank you for writing about your experiences and healing process so thoroughly, and honestly. I love the sentiment about it being commonly associated with dogs! People are shocked when they hear "hip dysplasia" and it is always "isnt that a dog problem?" Then I have to go into a long, Dr. Millis-like explanation of what is going on and why the surgery- and no, its not like a hip replacement, and yes, people get this too...blah, blah, blah. In fact, all of the women in my family- grandmother, mother, and 2 sisters have this ior a similar hip issue. You have to love genetics! Anyway....thank you.
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